See the beauty in others

"If you admire greatness in another human being, it is your own
greatness you are seeing. [...] If you did not possess that quality you
would not be attracted by it."
— Debbie Ford

I have been writing a lot about how the non-positive focuses in our
life tend to show us the less than complementary attributes of our
personality and our life. We must also remember the opposite of all
that works as well, and sometimes even more powerfully.

For example, when you think of someone you admire, all the positive
things you attribute to that person are within you as well. If you
admire Oprah because she is so influential, it is because there is
something about you that helps to influence others. If you like Martha
Stewart because she continues to go strong in her business despite all
her past challenges, it is because you too are strong in the face of a
challenge.

So keep thinking about all the people you admire in your life, see
their beauty, because it is truly a reflection of what is admirable in
you as well.

Being accountable and responsible

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in
harmony."
— Mahatma Gandhi

Accountability or responsibility, some work well with those terms while
others prefer to avoid them, believing that they will somehow
be "chained" to something or someone if they succumb to them.

Accountability can actually lead to the exact opposite and give you the
freedom that comes with being in control of your own life and your
actions and your thoughts. When you don't work with accountability and
responsibility, you may tend to want to blame others for your
circumstances. This takes the power away from yourself, you are now at
the mercy of others.

Embrace these two terms and allow what you think, what you say, and
what you do to be in perfect alignment with your road to happiness.

What are you keeping out?

"Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends."
— Czech Proverb

I know some people who have been hurt, emotionally, by people they
thought loved them. And understandably they are now cautious of
trusting again, loving again. So they put up their protection shields
to keep people out. That way they won't get hurt again, right?

But what are they keeping out? Perhaps they won't get hurt by others,
but the life they are now creating seems to be hurting their chances
for joy, their chances for feeling love again. As much as we all would
prefer to live without hurt, keeping everyone out for fear of them
hurting us again will also keep out all who would love us again.

Instead of surrounding yourself with a fence of mistrust and fear,
surround yourself with a circle of supportive and loving friends. Allow
yourself to attract those that would love you by loving others first.

Are you aware of the little details?

"Very few people really see things unless they've had someone in early
life who made them look at things. And name them too. But the looking
is primary, the focus."
— Denise Levertov

As I enjoy looking at my garden on this sunny summer morning, I become
aware of so much more than the leaves and the flowers blossoming. I
take note of the interesting edges on the petals, the small bug
crawling up a leaf.

I realized that I don't always look at the rest of the world this way,
rushing by seeing only the big picture or the usual views. The other
weekend, I looked at a corner that I have seen over and over yet
realized that I had never noticed that there was a graveyard tucked in
behind the bushes, so in the habit of looking only at the buildings in
front.

It reminded me that we all need to take the time to acknowledge all the
little parts of our lives. We need to remember to look at life and the
world around us in a different way. Slow down. Be aware of where we
are, what we see, what we feel. Sometimes there might be something
there that we just never noticed. And some times we may find that the
sum of all the little things is much greater than the whole.

Kind words

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless."
— Mother Teresa

I received a phone call from someone the other day that really made me realized how important it is to do simple gestures of kindness. I had met her only once before viewing her house in the endless array of house-hunting we had been doing. While she was showing me her beautiful garden, I mentioned that she has beautiful eyes, which was simply a true and genuine compliment.

At the time, she blushed and was totally shocked that I would say that. It had been so long since anyone had ever said something so nice to her. It touched her so deeply and made her feel so good, she had to call me weeks later to say thank you.

It reminds me of how much I too crave simple gestures of kindness from time to time. Someone who gives a heart-felt compliment for no particular gain or reason and my day shines brighter because of it.

Let us never forget the simple kind gestures that can make a person's day go that much better. Let us be there to remind others that we are all beautiful people even when we don't hear it everyday. Reach out a warm loving hand to reassure someone in need and someone will be there for you when you need it too. Little by little we can brighten the smiles of the world with simple gestures of kindness.

Bring out the steel umbrellas

"You have to make darn sure not to put yourself in the proximity of complainers. If you absolutely have to be nearby, make sure you bring a steel umbrella or the crap meant for them will get you too!"
— Harv Eker, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind

You know the saying, misery likes company? And by now, we understand that what we focus on expands. So if we are around people who complain a lot, then what they are attracting into their lives may spread to yours if you let it affect you.

There was this one relative of mine, and each time we spoke, I came away feeling really drained and found myself getting really aggravated by the littlest things she would say. I couldn't figure it out at first, but then I realized she was always complaining to me about how miserable her life is, and how horrible her childhood was. I would do my best to give her some empowering guidance or simply a sympathetic ear. But the story never changed. Instead of me helping her feel better, her negative energy was far stronger (and more rehearsed) so it ended up bringing my energy closer to her lower level.

Even though it is our intention to help, sometimes it is better for everyone to simply stay away from miserable people — at least the ones who have no intention of ever changing for the better. This can be tricky to do if you are in a profession that is out to help people in this state. And I am not suggesting that we abandon the souls in need. However, make sure you have your energy shields up to protect you from these misfortune magnets.

Kind words

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes
are truly endless."
— Mother Teresa

I received a phone call from someone the other day that really made me realized how important it is to do simple gestures of kindness. I had met her only once before viewing her house in the endless array of house-hunting we had been doing. While she was showing me her beautiful garden, I mentioned that she
has beautiful eyes, which was simply a true and genuine compliment.

At the time, she blushed and was totally shocked that I would say that. It had been so long since anyone had ever said something so nice to her. It touched her so deeply and made her feel so good, she had to call me weeks later to say thank you.

It reminds me of how much I too crave simple gestures of kindness from time to time. Someone who gives a heart-felt compliment for no particular gain or reason and my day shines brighter because of it.

Let us never forget the simple kind gestures that can make a person's day go that much better. Let us be there to remind others that we are all beautiful people even when we don't hear it everyday. Reach out a warm loving hand to reassure someone in need and someone will be there for you when you need it too. Little by little we can brighten the smiles of the world with simple gestures of kindness.

Does it improve the silence?

"Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it
true, does it improve on the silence?"
— Sai Baba

I feel the above quote to be so well stated that it is hard for me to
add anything to it that could clarify on its wisdom. So this shall be
short and brief. When tempted to fill the silence with words, please
consider the question above carefully before you speak. Make sure what
you are saying is kind. Be certain that it is something that absolutely
needs to be said. Verify that what you are about to say is in fact true
and not just a hasty judgment or ego-driven opinion. And finally,
assure yourself that it will improve the situation or be helpful to
someone or something.

Knowledge junkies

"You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action."
— Tony Robbins

For many years this was the way it was for me. I would read all these fantastic books on spirituality, health, wellness, etc. The academic in me would take it all in and I could happily report that I had read all these authors with their important messages of personal growth.

So why was my life such a mess? I knew it all, right?

Well, first off, I don't believe we will ever truly know it all. There is so much to know out there. And it is constantly evolving. And secondly, I didn't actually know this stuff since I wasn't actually living it.

Get off the knowledge junkie path and start taking action with all the knowledge you have built up in your life. I do believe we have the knowledge inside each and everyone of us for living to our highest potential if we would just do what we already know.

One Day at a Time

"The power to create quality of life is not in any planner. The power
to create quality of life is within us, in our ability to develop and
use our own inner-compass so that we can act with integrity in the
moment of choice."
— Stephen Covey

What will happen tomorrow? Or the next day? Or the next week, month,
year? Other than some fairly predictable norms in my life, I wouldn't
be able to answer that with much detail or accuracy because I simply
cannot know about something that has not yet happened. And what about
all the things that are going to happen that I can't even imagine at
this present moment? How will they affect the equation when I didn't
put them into my calculations?

So why do we take up so much of our time thinking, or worse yet,
worrying about the future when we have no way to know for certain what
it will entail?

No matter how challenging your situation appears to you at this time,
you can make it through one day at a time. Focus on the present day and
moment and what action steps you can take right now. Understand that
each conscious choice you make now will create the quality of life upon
which you decide.

Focus on the desired outcome

"Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision
is the promise of what you shall one day be: your ideal is the prophecy
of what you shall at last unveil."
— James Allen

It is not easy to focus on a positive outcome when you are in the
middle of a crisis or life challenge. However, the most important thing
you can do at that point is to focus on what you want to happen, not
what is actually happening. As you may have heard with the Law of
Attraction, what you focus on expands. Remember, that means if you are
focusing on the negative possibilities, they will expand. If you are
focusing on the positive outcomes, they will expand.

Your vision of the positive outcome unfolding is like the map being
drawn, giving the future its direction.

5 Steps to Permanent, Positive Change

If you haven't requested your copy of my short report on 5 Steps to Permanent, Positive, Change go to http://www.RealLifeChanges.com and click on the book link. I will e-mail your copy to you within the shortest delay. This is a short summary of all the research I have done over the years on the best steps to take to make permanent, positive changes in your life.

The other step that I find truly reinforces your journey of change, is helping others by sharing your story. If you have made some significant breakthroughs, let us know what you experienced, how you came about them, etc. Or if you are looking for a helping hand or words of guidance, put out your questions and see if we can help you with your next steps.

Thanks for all of the positive feedback we have been receiving for our report.

Sincerely,

Rose-Anne
RealLifeChanges.com

Forgive the monster in you

"If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how
can you forgive others?"
— Dolores Huerta

I was asked the other day how can one forgive
oneself for all the terrible things done in the past?

It is simple: Forgiving yourself is key to being a better
person right now. If I were to go through my days
constantly punishing myself and telling myself that I
am a terrible person, what kind of a person would I be
to all those that I have to deal with every day?
— A terrible one. And probably a depressed one.
Certainly no one that I would want my children interacting
with and learning from every day.

Would I be able to give love to anyone else when I can't
even muster up enough for myself? No. I need to forgive
myself and love myself so that I am full of this loving and
positive energy that can then shine out to all those in my life.

We all have monsters from our past — big and small.
Stop punishing yourself and use active forgetting
to guide you each day. It's time to forgive the monster in you
and allow others see the love light shine bright through you!

Active Forgetting

Active Forgetting

"Life is an adventure in forgiveness."
— Norman Cousins (1912-1990)

If I were to ask you to remember a past event that caused some sort of negative emotion for you, how would you feel about talking about it? Would you feel all the negative emotions filling up your brain and your heart? Do you begin to feel the sadness, the anger, the frustration of that event even though you are completely removed from that moment in time? For me, it's almost like the past is reliving itself all over again just by talking about it.

So why is it that so many of us insist on talking about our painful past events, digging up minute details, and allowing ourselves to be caught up in all that emotion all over again? What is to be gained? What is to be improved doing this over and over again with no resolution in sight?

It is my firm belief that you do not have to keep talking about the past in order to work out the issues associated with it. I call it active forgetting. We all know that these types of events don't just disappear from our memories, even if we don't talk about them everyday. They are part of who we are. So let us start by understanding and accepting that we have not forgotten and therefore we do not need to refresh our memories by talking about them.

However, in my day to day life, I will not allow myself to be a victim of my past. I will however, actively use that marker as a learning tool, a silent reminder that I use as a clear guide as to what I don't want my life to be like anymore. I am focused on the now and fill my life with positive energy and love. Therefore, if I don't want to feel those negative emotions anymore, it is key to not rehash the old events. Focus on present day issues.

I do remember, I do forgive, and I live a life of love from now onward.

Caring by sharing

"One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other's stories."
— Rebecca Falls

I have always had the opportunity to listen to the stories of my friends and family. They often turned to me for a sympathetic ear or even, from time to time, a shoulder to cry on. I may not have always had the perfect thing to say to comfort them, or know the right advice to get them through. But that wasn't what they really needed anyway.

We all need a safe place to share our stories so that we can release our emotions and move on to a healthy, happy state of mind. Switch the roles every now and then and be the ear for someone else. Find that support person that will unconditionally be there to hear you.

If you have something you would like to safely and anonymously write about, write a comment and let it out. Maybe someone out there is going through a similar situation and can offer a tip or two as well.

The Repeat Cycle

Do you find that you keep having the same problems crop up in your life? Some say that they keep getting in the same bad relationships, just with different people. For others, they always find the lousy jobs. Do you keep gaining weight no matter what you do. It can even be found in patterns of illness that keep arising.

Life sends us teachers in all different forms. And life will keep sending the teachers until we learn the lesson that was attached to the challenge. If you find yourself in a loop cycle, shift your perspective so that you can see the lessons in the situation. Then you will be freed from the same repeating patterns that have challenged you in the past and you will be ready to face new, evolutionary challenges appropriate for your current stage in life.

Let yourself be present to your emotions

"What if, instead of 'reframing' my emotions, I simply welcomed them and allowed them to be fully felt? I wonder if I might find this peace she is speaking about in the core of the feeling?"
— Brandon Bays, The Journey

What an interesting concept. Not only does Brandon Bays suggest that you accept your emotions, but she actually believes that we should welcome all our emotions and feel them completely. These days you hear everything from changing your negative thoughts to positive ones, do whatever you can to avoid the emotions, or even recommendations to take drugs to numb the feelings.

It has been on my journey of self-discovery that I have discovered that nothing is what it seems at the surface level. All the emotions I have been working through to get to my best me has proven that my first surface, impression was usually inaccurate. My anger wasn't just anger, it was fear. My self-destructive thoughts were actually there to show me that I lacked self-confidence. I could go on and on.

Once you allow yourself to feel your emotions fully, but not wallow in them or dump them on someone else, you can start to peal away the layers that have been building up on the original feeling. Sometimes you will even discover that your present breakdowns have more to do with a past emotional hurt than with the trigger event that brought the feelings up in the present moment.

Voice your fears

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
— Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

When you say what you fear out loud, you will often find how ridiculous, or inaccurate, or inappropriate it is for your life. I just had a talk with my husband about one of the fears holding me back from making some simple phone calls. I had to call some people that I didn't know in order to set up an interview time with them. In my mind I knew that this was no big deal for me to do. I have definitely done more challenging tasks or assignments. So what was holding me back? Why was I so afraid to just make these calls? I had been procrastinating for over two weeks now, coming up with excuse after excuse as to why I should put it off until the next day.

Well, a little self-probing I realized that it wasn't making the phone calls that was posing the problem, but making the phone calls with my husband within earshot. I was fearing his judgment or criticism of me and my ability to call up strangers to book an interview. No wait, take it a step farther, I was afraid he would think that I am not as competent as I always lead him to believe. I wanted to make the calls when he wasn't around, so that if I said something stupid, he wouldn't know about it and couldn't criticize me. So really, I was fearing being criticized by someone who I really respect and value their opinion.

After talking it through with him (with many emotions coming to the surface) I was able to see that one of my biggest challenges in this lifetime was cropping up again — I care way too much what people think about me, both positively and negatively. Once I voiced it, I was able to let it go, make the phone calls and move on. But not without consciously noting my lesson for future reference; Nothing and no one can give me the love of self that I seek. I cannot get it from a career, relationship, family, or material possession. I am all that I need to find this love and no one can take it away from me either.

And just remember to speak out your fears. When you let them roam about in your mind, they have a tendency to grow to something much bigger than they really are. Once you voice them aloud, you will find the wisdom within you to set them free.

Misunderstandings

"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
— Peter Drucker

Assuming is a dangerous tactic. While it may seem that you know what is going on in a situation in your own mind, it is shocking to find out how wrong we can be at times. We allow our egos and emotions to take over the thinking process.

During a conversation I had the other day with my husband, it was almost amusing in the end how much we both had assumed and how little we were actually listening to each other. It started with my husband thinking that he knew what I was thinking. Then when he stated what he thought I was thinking, I misunderstood and assumed he was saying something to purposely hurt my feelings.

Simply put, we were both wrong and it took quite a bit of talking it out to figure it all out. Thankfully we were willing and able to talk it out to settle the misunderstanding before it went any further. But it was quite an eye-opener. How easy it is to misunderstand someone else. We get into the habit of thinking we know the other person so well because we have been together for so long. And for the most part, that is very true. But throw in some dangerous ego play, some past emotional hurts, you will soon discover chaos reigns.

Once again, communication is the key. Clear and concise without any room for assumptions. Even with those we think we know so well.

Trust in yourself and the universe

"Though I didn't know where to begin, I felt this constant, insistent inner knowing that somehow I would be guided. So, all I could do was TRUST."
— Brandon Bays, The Journey

How much do you trust yourself, trust your instincts? Maybe when things are going well, it's a little easier to feel like you know what you are doing and you feel in control. But when things go wrong, what then? Do you question your thoughts, your decisions?

My advice — let go. Let go of trying to control the situation and figuring out the exact direction you need to be taking. Often you will have a flood of emotions taking over your senses during stressful or trying times that don't allow you to "think" it through. So the best course of action is to let it come to you.

Trust that the right answers will come your way. Trust that the answers that your head thinks are not right, might be right. Sometimes your life path might not be what you chiseled out in stone long ago or promised yourself when you were a little child. You just don't know it yet, but you will be guided to the right path for you at the right time for you if you just let go.